Gotta give you credit, Roger, you’re still batting a thousand. “Happy Hour” is another of your strokes of genius. The ratings might be dismal so far, but great works of art sometimes take time to catch on. It took “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” a movie that parodied horror flicks, years before it became a cult classic.

Still, as the pressures of working for Mr. Murdoch must be draining at times, I thought you might appreciate some ideas on how the boost the ratings for “Happy Hour” for your next staff meeting.

10 WAYS FOR A HAPPIER “HAPPY HOUR”

- The Scores Lap Dance Economic Index

Let’s be honest here, “Happy Hour” is not exactly a show for puritans. One of the most blatant examples was a recent segment on Rick’s Cabaret, the publicly traded adult nightclub company, featuring some of the company’s “performers”. Why not take it to the next level and introduce the “Scores Lap Dance Economic Index?” Each Friday, Candi, Brandi, and Randi talk about how much they earned on lap dances. Lots of money? The economy must be doing ok. A whole lot of money? Sound the alarm – people are clearly trying to lap dance their troubles away!

- Coffee, Tea, or Fox at 35,000 Feet

This weekly segment features a report from a FBN anchor interviewing a corporate executive on his company’s airborne private jet. Think of the exclusive access! Hey, if it worked for Bartiromo…

- Wealth Transfer Strategies with Paris Hilton

It’s tough being rich and vacuous, particularly if your mean ol’ billionaire grandfather decides to give away your inheritance. Poor little rich girl Paris Hilton could share her money management tips with the equally downtrodden among us and teach us how to live the good life. Eat your heart out, Erin Burnett!

- #@%$#@ with Ken Langone

FBN doesn’t allow technical jargon. So if the network really wants to feature an authoritative market expert who clearly speaks plain English, who better than billionaire investor and philanthropist Ken “they-got-the-wrong-f*cking-guy” Langone? Hearing Mr. Langone wax on about the markets, the economy, and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson would be the greatest color commentary since Howard Cosell joined Monday Night Football. C’mon, the Nielsen numbers would be soooo worth the FCC obscenity fines!

- Around the Water Cooler With Froelich and Kelly

This segment would be co-hosted by New York Post gossip scribe Paula Froelich (who actually once covered business) and Kate Kelly, the intrepid Wall Street Journal reporter who broke the oh-so-hard-hitting story on Bear Stearns chairman Jimmy Cayne and his alleged taste for the “wacky tabacky”. If there’s an unsubstantiated rumor or innuendo around the water cooler, Froelich and Kelly will be first to report it. Mr. Murdoch will love the cross-branding idea!

- Enhancing Workplace Productivity with Roger Clemens

Given the recent spate of layoff reports, everyone is looking for an edge in the workplace. In this segment, exclusively sponsored by Cook-Waite Lidocaine, New York Yankees pitching ace talks with business and sports leaders on how best to boost workplace performance.

- Corporate Dining with Takeru Kobayashi

Greed is good, but poor table manners are not. With so much business being conducted over a meal, today’s up-and-coming leaders need to know the rules of the table to ensure they don’t blow a big deal or job offer by simply eating with the wrong fork. Culinary dining legend Takeru Kobayashi explains the nuances of combining greed and proper etiquette, and models appropriate bib wear when feasting on $400 crab claws.

- Career Counseling with Julie Roehm

In this segment, fired Wal-Mart advertising executive Julie Roehm gives career tips on client entertainment, demonstrating appropriate affection for subordinates, and the perils of trying to shake down a Fortune 500 corporation.

- “Do as I Say” with Michael Brown

Remember Michael Brown, the whiz bang FEMA guy with the rolled up sleeves who oversaw the Hurricane Katrina response? Well, apparently he’s hired a publicist to promote him as an expert on crisis management. No doubt he would do a heck of a job talking about how companies in trouble can clean up their messes. Or appear to do so anyway.

- Hire Katie Couric

Cody and Rebecca are great, but they appeal to the under-35 crowd. “Happy Hour” could benefit from having an experienced, more “seasoned” journalist like Katie Couric inject some thought-provoking conversational pearls as “Dee-da-dee-da dee” to keep the older crowd’s attention. It’s just a hunch, but I’ll bet you can convince Mr. Moonves to let America’s sweetheart out of her contract.

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But I admit that I initially struggled to understand why Mr. Ailes gave the green light to “Happy Hour,” the late afternoon show on his newly launched Fox Business Network. In case you haven’t seen it – and given FBN’s paltry ratings it’s quite likely you haven’t – “Happy Hour” is a campy show hosted by Cody Willard and Rebecca Gomez, two individuals who, professional credentials aside, look like they belong on the set of an MTV reality show more than in the studio of a serious business news program. Perhaps that’s why “Happy Hour” is set in a bar — the “Bull and Bear” pub at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel to be exact.

With the hosts and guests perched on barstools as pints are pulled behind them, “Happy Hour” has the production values of a community access channel in Aurora, IL (“It’s Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World, party time, excellent!”). The banter is light and the guest lineup, umm, eclectic. You may get a CEO or an investment manager or two talking about taxes and assets, but you’re more likely to get models, actors, strippers, ice dancers, comedians, filmmakers, more models, actors and … oh, did I mention the strippers?

“Who on earth is going to watch this show?” I wondered aloud the first time I watched the show.

Well, for starters, my colleagues Jeff and Anthony. Every day at 5 p.m., they immediately tune out CNBC and flick on “Happy Hour.” These are two of the smartest people I’ve ever worked with, and they haven’t missed a segment since the show began. Another surprising viewer? An erudite editor friend of mine at a major business publication – we’re talking a true Renaissance man who studied ancient Greek just so he could read the original works of Plato and Homer – confessed over dinner last week that he’s a big fan of the show.

Ok, so “Happy Hour” seems to appeal to highly intelligent people. That answered the “who?”, now I just needed to understand the “why?” Jeff and Anthony helped me out on this one:

We can’t believe just how bad the show is,” said Jeff.

“It’s so bad, it’s actually brilliant,” added Anthony.

Now I get it.

Did you ever see Mel Brooks’ “The Producers?” It’s a story about a hapless producer and a nebbish accountant who concoct a scheme to make the worst Broadway play ever made. But their show, “Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgade,” is so outrageous it actually becomes a huge hit. “Happy Hour” is Mr. Ailes’ Springtime for Hitler.

Media pundits predicted that FBN would be a near-clone of Mr. Ailes’ well-established Fox News Network. In anticipation, CNBC jazzed up its sets and graphics, and billed itself “America’s Business Network,” mimicking the jingoistic tone of Fox News. But Mr. Ailes didn’t make his reputation by following conventional wisdom. He just quietly sat back and let CNBC zig while he cunningly was preparing to zag.

Instead of creating quality programming to go head-to-head with CNBC, he took a different approach to capture the loyalty of those stuck at their desks after the 5:00 whistle blows. He developed the least “business-y” business programming imaginable. “Happy Hour” is ESPN or E! for people who can’t get away with watching those channels in the office. Is it playing to more low-brow tastes? Maybe. But as H.L. Mencken once said, “no one has ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

And for the record, H.L. Mencken, like Roger Ailes, was a pretty smart guy.

Next: “Top Ten” ideas to boost “Happy Hour” ratings.

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