Those F*@%ing Potty-Mouthed Canadians!

I’ve just returned from Toronto, the city where I was born and raised. Although I haven’t lived there for more than 25 years, I go back often to visit my family. While TO still feels like home to me, this trip I noticed just how much things have changed in recent years.

Daily Newspaper Dropping F Bombs

Crazy as it may seem, Toronto has four daily newspapers – not bad for a city of only 2.48 million residents (five million if you include people living in the ‘burbs). As far as city dailies go, they are considerably better than most local U.S. newspapers when it comes to depth and breadth of reporting. Then again, I may not be the most impartial judge; I was once a reporter with The Toronto Star.

In my day, The Globe and Mail, which fashions itself as “Canada’s National Newspaper,” had a decidedly conservative bent. Picture an uptight, pipe-smoking, cardigan-attired, scotch-sipping WASP male sitting in a leather armchair in a wood-paneled study bedecked with a prominent photo of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and you pretty much have an idea of the typical Globe reader, at least in my mind.

Well, either my mental image was way off base or The Globe certainly has dramatically expanded its readership. In a story I admit I don’t quite understand, the newspaper unabashedly drops the F bomb multiple times without the usual ellipsis that most mainstream newspapers use to denote curse words. Granted the word in question is part of the formal name of the organization being profiled (the, ahem, “Fuck Death Foundation”), but I’m pretty sure that the old geezer in the armchair who suffered a major cardiac event after seeing such common crudeness in his beloved paper would argue that’s just splitting hairs.

U.S. Currency No Longer Welcome

For at least the past two decades, stores throughout Toronto gladly accepted – and gave a significant premium – on U.S. currency. The Canadian dollar, or Loonie as it is called because of the bird engraved on the dollar coin, at one point was worth some 35 percent less than the greenback, making Toronto a comparatively inexpensive place for Americans to visit.

But the Loonie has soared like an eagle against the U.S. dollar in recent months, closing the gap that most Canadians and professional currency-watchers had long taken for granted. Last week during my trip, the Canadian currency reached a record $1.10 against its American counterpart. Canadian consumers are understandably euphoric about the shift in currency buying power, and are flocking in droves to take advantage of it. Border crossing waits are reportedly as long as five hours, an added bonus for Canadian travelers. You see, Canadians seemingly derive great pleasure from waiting in line; most do it with great regularity and equally great patience. You could say that after hockey, it’s the national pastime. (Yes, even more so than curling).

Anyway, back to my trip. Obviously, I read newspapers and knew before I went north that the dollar-to-dollar exchange rate was no longer what it used to be and that I would have to take a hit if I stuck with American currency. What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was just how many places would simply no longer accept the greenback. The Loonie has been fluctuating to such a degree that stores don’t know how to calculate prices for people who want to pay with American money.

Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I thought the cashier at the sandwich shop said “thanks, but no thanks” to my U.S. dollars with a particularly defiant and gleeful tone. After years of having their Loonie punishably discounted, I guess it’s understandable if Canadians want to strut a little, but as The Globe and Mail might say, just watch that f*@%ing karma.

Banks No Longer Keeping Banking Hours

Canada is a country not known for the diversity of its financial institutions. There are just five banks holding more than 90% of the country’s financial assets. Growing up, there was no real differentiation among them when it came to pricing, products, and services. Think of it this way: They were about as consumer-centric as your local cable company. Regardless of the name on the door, bank branches were uniformly open Monday through Thursday from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. and open until 4:00 on Fridays. In hindsight, the only customer-friendly effort they made was to make sure there were never enough tellers to service the long queue of people looking to conduct transactions. Remember, Canadians like lining up.

But apparently that’s all changed. In a story that jolted me more than my Tim Hortons java, I read that banks are extending their lobby hours, with two banks announcing that select branches will even have Sunday hours. Talk about a paradigm shift!

I will bet you ten Loonies to one Greenback that the rest of the Canadian banks quickly follow suit. While other things about the business of banking may have evolved, I’m fairly certain the herd mentality they share is not one of them.

And Finally… Anne Murray is Not a Lesbian

I’ve never cared much for the music of Anne Murray, but I’ve long admired the singer for not getting caught up in her own press, as the saying goes. Stories about her always left the reader with the impression of a decent, down-to-earth, proud Canadian who never let the fame and fortune swell her head. No doubt it is because of this benign image and reputation that landed her a line in that South Park song “Blame Canada” a few years back. She is deservedly a national icon.

But apparently even Ms. Murray has some skeletons in her closet. She recently confided to a Globe and Mail reporter that, 40-something years ago, she had a two-and-a-half-year affair with a much older married man who also happened to have two kids. She later married – and subsequently divorced – the guy. In the story, she also denied rumors that she is a lesbian. Supposedly these rumors have been circulating for a while, not that I ever heard them. Admittedly, this is hardly scandalous stuff given the current antics of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and their ilk, but keep in mind that Anne Murray’s image is deeply, deeply entrenched as that of someone far more squeaky clean and, well, dull. I guess Canada’s songbird wasn’t so innocently sweet after all.

Still, as much as things appear to have changed in Toronto, it was comforting to see some things remain the same. Despite Toronto’s emergence as a world-class cosmopolitan center, liquor and wine can still only be bought at a government-controlled store. Early Saturday night I went to one to pick up a bottle of wine. Estimating a 20-minute wait at the checkout, I decided my sister would get her house warming gift on my next visit. Canadians in general may like waiting in lines, but I do not.

Hmmm… maybe Canada’s not the only thing that’s changed over the years.

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